I really hated being a teenager. I was picked on all the time. I had one friend and I lived in constant fear of being the target of someone’s prank or criticism. Unfortunately, this happens to a lot of kids. The lucky ones can look back and laugh. Frankly, some of this stuff is really funny, even if, at the time, I thought my life was over. Here are some of my funnier teenage trauma moments.
1. I had cranberry-colored hair. I had long (as in elbow-length) frizzy, semi-curly hair that I dyed with black cherry Kool-Aid. It was completely hideous. It probably didn’t help that I wore long-sleeved thermals under giant men’s t-shirts and really baggy shorts every day, even in the winter. It was the 90s. There are no photos.
2. My mom threw me a surprise 13th birthday party and the only girls in attendance were the ones who made fun of me at school. They had been my friends through the sixth grade, but I moved away for seventh grade. When I came back for eighth grade, they were horrible to me. (I could make another list of all the ways they tortured me between eighth and tenth grades.) The party itself was torture, though I never said a word about it…until now.
3. I read in a book that nearsighted women were more attractive because they had a “faraway look.” For an entire day, I didn’t wear my glasses or contacts. By lunch, I had a migraine. It turns out that faraway look is the result of a lot of painful squinting.
4. In seventh grade, a very cute boy in my class walked up behind me in the hall and told me it looked like I’d sat in chocolate or something. I was wearing white pants. It wasn’t chocolate, but it was definitely something. (All the women know what I’m talking about.)
5. I rode the school bus all the way through graduation. It was so pathetic that the middle school kids threw things at me and called me names. Still, I was so afraid to fail my driver’s test that I waited until it was absolutely necessary to take it (I needed a summer job). For the record, I failed it the first time.