I often start these blog posts without a plan. I sit for a while, stare into space, and just start writing. One topic will lead into another and I’ll end up deleting the first half and keeping the second. Like an old car, I need to idle for a while before rolling out of the driveway.
Today is no different except all I know to write about is how incredibly sad I am. I’m sad in my heart and into my bones. Every breath is sad and there’s a heaviness to my day I can’t shake.
I’m back on antidepressants, which feels like a failure, and I’m doing everything badly. Work, wedding, relationships… I’m bunging it all up. And, I’m so tired doing it! It feels like everyone needs something from me and I have nothing to give. Call me next week or next month, or maybe even next year. In my heart, my answer to everything is, “My dog is dead. Leave me alone.”
I know this will pass, but, here in the middle of it, I’m having a hard time. I can’t manage all of this forever without Barley.