I’m back(ed up)

The move went fine, as far as moves go. Of course, the moving truck and assorted details were a mess, our former landlord is MIA, and Ben has at least three new gray hairs in his beard, but moving is always crappy and it’s a healthy strategy to move on quickly.

I’ve moved on to the fact that we don’t have a toilet right now. Two weeks into the new place and we have a major plumbing issue that has left us without a toilet or shower for five days so far. Things are getting funky indeed.

My temptation is to wow you with the gory details, but I’ll keep this professional.

Our house has a solid waste grinder, a mechanical contraption I’ve referred to exclusively as the “poop grinder.” It takes the solid waste from our house (not just poop), grinds it up with water, and pumps it into the city sewage lines. I have no idea why we need a mechanical middleman, but it’s a gruesome mechanism I have only limited desire to understand at this point.

The key is that our poop grinder is broken.

So, we’ve been shuttling back and forth to my office and Safeway for bathroom trips, washing our dishes in the yard, and taking sponge baths. It’s like we’re camping, except that it’s the most expensive camping trip ever. And there have been no s’mores.

I’m hopeful the poop grinder will be replaced Wednesday, but it’s giving me panic attacks to think this might drag on and on. Landlords and plumbers seem amazing unconcerned about our situation when they personally have fully functioning toilets and showers at home. They seem to be downplaying how ridiculous it is to be without a bathroom for days on end. They’ve giggled at me and it’s quite annoying. If I have to outline my years of complicated gastrointestinal issues, I will.

Shit’s gotta get done, man. I’ll keep you posted.


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