I was not prepared for this

This blog post was originally titled “The first two weeks.” Then it became the first four and the first six. Then, I got wise and skipped to the first 10, thinking I’d surely have it together by 10 weeks. Time would magically fall from the sky and I wouldn’t gobble it right up for sleep or a shower.

It hasn’t happened.

We’re almost 12 weeks in and I’m absolutely exhausted. Am I doing it wrong? Ay carumba.

Things I was wrong about

• It’s really, really hard. Everyone says it’s difficult having a baby, but that’s only because there are no words in the English language to describe how difficult it is. There needs to be a new word. I’m sure there’s a word in German. It’s probably “holy-shit-goddamn-I’m-so-tired-and-my-boobs-hurt-and-I-still-have-to-do-my-day-job-shit-shit-shit-i’m-too-old-for-this.”

• It really, really hurts. I had a difficult delivery experience, so that may be tainting my experience (you’ll get the pun shortly), but it still hurts to do most anything. I’m close to three months out and I still have a lot of pain in my lady area. While I was pregnant, I read articles about women who did triathlons and all kinds of crazy crap within weeks and months of giving birth, and I thought that would be me. Yep, wrong. I can confidently say I will never ride a bike again. Seriously. Right now, my goals are to sit down on my kitchen chair without a grimace.

• Harry is everything. As hard as it is, Harry is the best thing that ever happened. He’s everything. I could rip in half from how much I love him (and I kinda sorta did, I guess, see above). I knew I would love him, but I had no idea how completely obliterating this love would be. Harry is the beginning and the end, he’s everything in the middle. He’s the entire world.

• It’s really, really hard. It’s a very raw thing to walk around as a mother. The pressure to be perfect is overwhelming, as is the constant worry. I had no idea how terrified I’d be all the time. Thank god for google. I don’t know what mothers did before it. Google is the only thing keeping me from an aneurysm.

I’m hoping to get into a good habit of posting regular updates about how Harry is. He’s doing such impressive things these days. He makes the most amazing poops, which is astounding considering his diet is the same every single day. I mean, the kid poops orange one day, green the next, and has a regular lineup that ranges from butterscotch to mustard. It’s fascinating. Plus, he probably is the world’s cutest baby. I’ve been checking out other babies in town and they don’t even compare. They’ve achieved only amateur level cuteness. Harry has it down.